This Waking Ritual Improves Your Relationship

Image of Couple in Bed with Woman resting head on mans lap feeding him pizza. There is a guitar leaning against the wall.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Episode Transcript:

Download video transcript here.

What is a Waking Ritual?

For most of my life, my waking ritual was to grumble, roll over, and catch a snooze or five!

Not only am I am NOT a morning person, I also struggle with chronic fatigue and poor sleep. The call to leave bed can push my grumpy button for sure. For many couples, their day starts in a similar way; swearing, grumbling, and a stumble to the nearest source of caffeination.

What you might not have realised, is that this becomes your 'waking ritual'. It's the way you greet each other every day, and can set the tone for your interactions.

Why Do Rituals of Connection Matter?

Long term love, depth, passion, and intimacy are built on a strong foundation of small, mundane, daily acts of love.

According to the research of the Gottman Institute, the difference between happy and unhappy relationships is the ratio of positive interactions to negative. And the magic number? 5:1. That means that the challenging or negative moments are far outweighed by moments of connection, by a ratio of five (or more!)

Couples who feel deeply connected know that this doesn't just happen by accident, they make sure that it happens.

The simplest way to move towards that ratio is to build rituals of connection into the fabric of your days.

How Do We Create a Waking Ritual?

Talk to your partner about what their perfect morning wake-up would look like. Ask them "if you could wake up in any way possible, every day, how would you like to wake up". Spend the next few minutes discussing why a BJ may not be practical every single day (or maybe it is! So yay!)

Decide whether you like to be "woken up" or whether you like to wake yourself.

Talk about some of the options that might work for different days; will work days be different? What if you wake at different times? How will this work if you are in a hurry? What will you do on days where you have the luxury of time?

Some Ideas for Your Waking Ritual

This is so specific from couple to couple… but here are some things some of my clients do;

  • Spoon and have a cuddle for a few minutes
  • Cuddle and whisper “I love you”
  • Wake them before leaving early for work for a goodbye kiss
  • Make them a cup of tea in bed
  • Wake them up with oral sex
  • Wake them up by rubbing their back in circles
  • Read the news online in bed together

What Do We Do Now?

You know, the thing about a practice is that... well... it is a PRACTICE. That means that you may not be great at it to start. And that you may not even enjoy it initially.

My invitation to you for this coming month is to explore:

  • How does it feel to do this practice?
  • What specifically do I feel? Am I bored? Annoyed? Grateful? Joyful? Angry? Happy?
  • Where specifically do I feel that in my body?
  • What comes up for me when I do this practice?
  • How is my relationship changing as a result of this practice?