Living Into My Values

This exploration of my values is a living document. It will never be a full & accurate report, but it's a reasonable snapshot!

That said, this process is about articulating values I've been deeply living into for over a decade, not about 'choosing' values. That means that of all the things I ever write, this living values piece changes very little. I've noticed that while the wisdom behind my values evolves, and my understanding of what they mean does too, but the values themselves remain unchanged.

My values are my guiding light and I work really hard to live into them.

Given that, they're a great litmus test for your compatibility with me in all realms.


    Defining My Values

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    For a long time I have said that Kindness is in my top 3 values.

    As I worked through this reflection I realised that kindness didn't encompass enough of the commitment I have to behaviour -

    For example;

    • I can be kind to others at cost to self.

    Determined Optimism

    This section is mostly WHATS. Definitions. Clarifications.


    This section is mostly WHATS. Definitions. Clarifications.


    Reflections on Kindness

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    My Evolution in Kindness


    H3 Emotional Self Awareness Step #2 : Interoceptive Awareness of Emotion

    The Actual THing.


    Which Specific Behaviours

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    The Actual Thing.

    Operationalised Sustainability

    My commitments

    • I design change to be slow & iterative
    • My expectations of myself and others are that change happens iteratively in partnership over long arcs of time
    • I work within my energetic capacity (emotional, mental, physical) and choose rest when I feel signs of tiredness
    • I assume there will be conflict & disagreement whether it's relational, idealogical, political or some other realm. I choose to view it as an opportunity for collaboration not a sign of failure.
    • I name systemic & contextual causes and influences
    • I don't hold individuals responsible for systemic problems
    • I don't hold couples or families responsible for systemic problems
    • I don't hold communities responsible for systemic problems
    • I keep doing the next right thing, and taking steps toward change
    • I'm willing to name & rumble with the discomfort of thinking & behaving in ways that don't fit with my values
    • I share insights with others about how their behaviours are informed by oppressive systems
    • I share insights with others about how my own behaviours are informed by oppressive systems
    • I choose to be in relationship with people who have beliefs & opinions that are contradictory to my own
    • I take responsibility to manage my own emotion when I am in a challenging situation
    • I actively consider the perspectives of others
    • I actively seek input from others to help me see my idealogical blindspots
    • I always surface personal conflict, and invite others to explore solutions with me
    • I always invite collaborative resolution instead of pretending it's not happening, ghosting someone, or letting problems fester.

    Business Practices

    • I don't promise change, resolution, or time frames for couples therapy
    • I actively choose not to use coercive sales or marketing techniques
    • I choose integrity and anti-capitalist values over financial or professional rewards
    • I carefully consider the impact of each tool, framework, and modality in my practice, not just within my sessions and for my clients, but on the patterns of thought I am endorsing through those choices and the greater impact of that in the world.
    • I

    Showing Up

    • I am both thoughtful and decisive
    • I practice integrity in all that I do by choosing to do what is right over what is fast, fun, easy, or comfortable

    Asking for Help

    • I ask for help.
    • I reach out for help when I need
    • I ask for what I need.
    • I ask for what I need versus blaming others or feeling resentful.
    • When I’m overwhelmed, I ask for what I need.

    Managing Commitments to Self and Others

    • I don’t over-commit.
    • I acknowledge when I can’t follow through on a commitment.
    • I’m flexible
    • I take care of myself.
    • I value play and make time for it.
    • I acknowledge that exhaustion and burnout prevent me from being a full contributor of strategy, perspective, and
    • I hold myself accountable for my wellbeing versus blaming others or feeling

    Developing Emotional Literacy

    • I’m aware of my emotions and how they affect me.
    • I understand how my emotions affect my behavior.
    • I manage my emotional reactivity in a productive way
    • I recognize and manage my emotion during struggle.
    • I am aware of the emotions that are most likely to arise for me when I am in struggle
    • I am able to recognize and name the emotions I’m feeling
    • I am able to reset after setbacks rather than staying stuck in emotion.

    Working with others

    • I set clear boundaries with others

    Resetting after set-backs, disappointments, and failures

    • I’m able to identify the key learnings in mistakes.
    • I work to embed the key learnings in the culture.
    • When there is a setback, failure, or disappointment, I’m able to identify the key learnings and share them within the team and the


    Building Trust

    • I don’t overpromise and I’m able to deliver on commitments and balance competing
    • I own my mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
    • I’m aware of my competencies and
    • I’m willing to ask for help.
    • I’m willing to say no and I ask for what I need.

    Operationalised Determined Optimism

    The Actual THing.

    Operationalised Compassion

    The Actual THing.

    Where Do We Go From Here?

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    Link to external resources, as well as any downloads or programs that I have.

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    For full transparency you should know: This transcript has been lightly edited for flow, and to optimise the SEO on my website. That means that I have substituted some words or phrases so that the article is more likely to appear in a google search. In this article "separate beds" has been optimised. I only do that in a context where the meaning will remain the same.

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