Hello beauties. It's Tara here with a video that's been much requested by my clients. And I'm so glad to be able to share this with you.
George Bernard Shaw once said that "the single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it's taken place." And I see this express time and time again with couples, each individual tells me that they're being articulate in expressing their needs. They'll say "he definitely knows what I need him to do. He just refuses to do it. And I don't understand why", or "if she would only do what I suggest it would be fine, but for some reason, she just won't listen. "
They believe that their partner completely understands their and then chooses not to act.
If you often find yourself defending your intentions; "that's not what I meant" or "you're taking that the wrong way", then you may find these techniques valuable to learn the flexibility that you need to deliver a clear and consistent message.
The key is you must learn, communicate in the style that your partner prefers to receive and process information. If we presuppose that the meaning of communication is the response you get. What that means is that now I am a hundred percent responsible for delivering my message to my partner in a way that not only allows them to understand it, of motivates them to act and creates connection.
In contrast, if you're not feeling hurt or appreciated, you may become increasingly frustrated at your partner's lack of action. And there'll be a disconnect between you.
Let's return to the NLP communication model for a moment. And what we're going to do over the next few videos is really drill down. How do you and your partner create your internal kingdoms? That is, what are the sensory channels through which you both receive data from your environment and how do you then individually make meaning from your worlds.
In the first video, we saw that in every second, you're receiving 2 million bytes of information from the external world. You receive that information through your five senses, taste, smell, touch, sight, and sound.
Let's put that in perspective; hold out your right hand and imagine that I'm handing you one piece of Lego per second. Now imagine that I'm handing you 2 million pieces per second.... it's simply too much to take in at one time. And so, as we're receiving these 2 million pieces of Lego, we're using all of our sensors or in NLP representational systems, that just means their sensory channels for receiving information.
We each have a preferred system or sense for processing information. For example, if you're learning something new, you may prefer to see someone demonstrate it, hear them, explain it or learn by actively participating and doing it. We use our preferred system in everything that we do when we plan fantasize, problem solve or create and recall now memories. We use it when we learn, communicate, and in the way that we give and receive love. And that's why it's so important to appreciate the different ways that both you and your partner process the world, perhaps your partner's visual and wants to see all the different colors of Lego and the picture on the cover of the box that provides with a visual of the outcome, the completed figure, or maybe their auditory, and would like to hear you sing the song from the Lego movie or describe the way the figure will look and how you're going to build it.
Maybe your partner's kinesthetic, and they want to get straight to interacting and playing with the Lego and building something. Or perhaps they are one of the few whose gusta tree or old factory, and they want to leak or sniff a block. When you identify your partner's preference, then you'll be one giant leap closer to influencing and understanding them. You'll build a kingdom and together that acknowledges and incorporates your individual strengths and preferences. There are three primary sensors that we rely on for data and your preferred sensors known as your lead representation system. The three primary sensors, a site, which is visual sound, which is audit and touch, which is kinesthetic.
So how do we recognize someone's preferred way of interacting? The first step is to observe them visually, how do they dress and present themselves? What sort of car do they drive? How does their office or their home look? A visual pay person is very interested in the way things look, they pay great attention to physical appearances in the way that they present themselves and the way their partner presents themselves. They like to be taken to new and interesting places where there's lots to see. They may be dressed very brightly or artistically, and they'll be incredibly stylish and well put it together. Their environment will be visually pleasing or also it's a sign that a visual person is struggling when their environment is not beautiful. Their focus is on the way that something looks.
An auditory person may not be easily identifiable by the way that they dress, though, you may notice their preference. When you look to their environment, the love being in a place that's peaceful or filled with harmonious sound. They won't enjoy noisy or loud environments as they find them to be distracting. The home or car will have the hallmarks of someone who likes to listen. Telephones great sound, systems, records, CDs, maybe headsets or headphones. Their focus is on the way that something sounds. A kinesthetic person will be dressed comfortably. They'll dress in a way that feels good. Instead of concern for style, the fabric will be textually, pre pleasing their home office. And Carl will be comfortable. Lush couches, cushions, and be warm and welcoming. The emphasis is on the way something feels.
The second way is you can listen to the types of words and language that they use. Visual language includes phrases. Like I can picture it. Now it looks like this, or I see what you mean. <affirmative> auditory language includes phrases. Like it sounds really good. I'm hearing you or tell it how it is. Kinesthetic language includes phrases. Like it feels right to me. Let's get in touch with them. Or I'd like to make contact with you. You can click through the link in the notes below to see a more comprehensive list of words and phrases.
The third way to identify someone's preferred sense is by noticing the way that they interact with you, do they show you things, tell you things or do they prefer to actively participate in things with you? Let's look at the example of learning, how to drive with thanks to Emma Evans for this wonderful example, a visual learner will really benefit from watching demonstrations. So literally show them how to do something new, like using hi beam. It will be quicker than describing it when they're in the car, it's helpful that they watch what the driver's doing to get a picture for how to do the action. You could also use a whiteboard or colored pens to draw diagrams of maneuvers and encourage them to participate in creating the image with a visual learner. It's important for them to see your body language and facial expressions. So if you have an important point to make, make sure they can see you.
An auditory learner likes to talk. They reaffirm their knowledge by talking the best way to do this is to get them to talk through what they're doing. Talk about what they're going to do and talk about what they've done. Also allow 'em to speak back instructions. It's not just to check whether or not they're listening, but to make it clear in their own minds that they understand what you've said and what they need to do. As you're doing things together, give them verbal instructions of what they need to do. We're coming up to an intersection you'll be turning, right? So begin to slow down now, foot on the brake and put your right indicator on akin aesthetic learner learns by doing they'll learn. When they begin to feel the biting point or sense the engine rugs for gear changes, they need to do things so they understand them.
It's better to instruct them as they're implementing. They don't need to hear a lot of detail or have you repeat things too often. Once they get to try it, they can come to grips with it. And so with this, imagine how power awful your communications will become when you identify your partner's preferred sense, your message will be delivered effectively to them, which means that your meaning will be clear and consistent. After listening to this video, you've already tapped into your own behavioral flexibility. And as you continue to be present to your partner, understanding their, of interacting, implementing your new learning, and bringing the discipline and certainty of knowing that when you change. So does your relationship, thank you so much for listening, watching, and participating on this video, the links to the exercises and the articles are in the notes below. And if you'd like to request or vote for a particular top head over to my blog on portray on, and if you found this helpful and want more, please become a patron and contribute $1 to help produce a higher quality and quantity of articles, videos, interviews, podcasts, and other amazing things.