There’s this thing I see couples do all the time and it MAKES ME CRAZY! They spend so much time fact checking each other, and defending their own precious egos that they make BEING RIGHT the most important thing, and BEING KIND is an afterthought.
For real, they say “I’d do anything to save this relationship” and when I suggest they listen for their partners INTENTION instead of their FACTUAL ACCURACY, they have to very quickly revise that statement to “I’ll do anything that I find convenient and within the realms of my comfort zone and also that I think is fair.”
You know what? Fuck fair. Who made you the arbiter of truth? What I KNOW TO BE TRUE is that our shared lives are utterly subjective, and our OPINIONS are always a result of our unique perspective of the world. One thousand people could be in the same room at the same time experiencing the same thing, and not one of them would report it accurately, nor consistently.
Why then, do we think in our relationships that our passionately held SUBJECTIVE VIEWPOINT is the truth, and our partner is a liar who manipulates in order to WIN (which, of course, we don’t). Why do we choose, through our words and actions, that BEING RIGHT represents the very core of our being.
If you are reading this, and you think this is a direct result of a conversation or session with me – you are right. Because I have this same fucking conversation over and over and over again. We are so addicted to superiority of our righteous fury, that we choose it over THE LOVE OF OUR LIFE again and again. What the fuck, people!
Every single time, the person (or people) involved think that if we could resolve the REAL BIG PROBLEMS then they could transform their relationship. I say FOCUS ON THE HUNDREDS OF TINY MOMENTS IN EVERY DAY and you will have already transformed it. Be kind & loving in small ways often.
I can hear you already “What about my own truth” and “Why should I always be the one to back down” and “But my partner really is a manipulative liar who always wants to win”… and here’s the thing: Yeah, of course that fucking matters, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.
The point is: Stop trying to get one up over each other. Stop point scoring, fact checking, interrupting, being defensive, going on the attack, drawing lines in the sand, polarising everything so that it becomes an ultimatum, black or white, no grey. Just. Stop. It. Being right about the facts just becomes a story you tell when you break up, so everyone can validate your decision to leave your awful ex who did this very specific fact based thing.
Whew! I feel better, thanks for listening. And, if you are one of the 20 people I had this conversation with in the last few weeks, it’s time to do it different. And if you recognise yourself in this, same goes. It’s time to do it different. BE KIND.